bluebirdnight (bluebirdnight) wrote in psurvivors,


I posted this to my journal and thought I would post it here as well since it was somewhat related to the group. I just had a rough night tonight and have been feeling frustrated. I want more options for all of us.. I want to know what we can do *if* there is anything that can be done to make that happen. I dont even know where, what, or how to begin. But, what they are doing now is just not enough. ~Julia

Dinner was odd.
Heather went to drop some things off at her cousins and i wasnt feeling up to meeting him so i got her to drop me off at the bookstore. For some reason I felt like i was having trouble walking around.. like really weak in the knees and dizzy. I was having a hard time catching my breath and just felt really uncomfortable in the bookstore alone. Usually I am not like this. Before heather I was used to being totally independent and doing pretty much everything on my own. So, she comes back to pick me up and we are thinking maybe the reason I am feeling so weird is because I hadnt eaten and maybe my blood sugar was low. So we pull into the closest resturant.
I get out of the car and im feeling like im in that dream like state.. not a good dream.. just a heavy fog and my perception gets all off.
We sit in a dark corner in a small two person booth. The waiter comes over and instantly i feel like im feeling overwhelmed by his energy.. just really intense. I made her order for me.. which it also totally unlike me. I was having a hard time even making eye contact w the waitor and just weird in general. Weak, confused, anxious, foggy, and sick to my stomache. Sometimes I wonder if something else is wrong with me.
But, when we have been diagnosed "mentally ill" in some way.. no matter what your complaints dr's seem to automatically associate it with your mind. I could be dying of cancer and handed a script for klonopin just bc noone wants to take the "crazy girl" seriously.
I don't really think I am dying of cancer or anything.. its just an example of why it frustrates me that their is a prejudice against people w "mental illnesses".
I think some of the weird symtoms my be attributed to the rtms i desperately tried a few months ago in Vancouver.. for those unfamiliar with it . I have tried alot of other things as well from a plethera of medications to lots of natural healing stuff over the years. I dont take any meds now or see a therapist. I kinda gave up on the hope in the pretty little pills and the therapists that just spew textbook jargon that they have been fed. I know I probably sounds really negative.. i just really put alot of effort, time, thousands of dollars into alot of different treatment options and really kinda busted my ass to try and get better and ended up worse than when i started. Medications totally screwed my brain up.. i still have weird side effects. As for the rtms it claims to be side effect free yet the first several weeks of returning home i couldnt even walk up and down my stairs without feeling like i was going to pass out, was having terrible nightmares, my whole body shook on a regular basis, and I couldnt comprehend the most simple of books. I felt kind of cheated and not given all of the information. And when I called them about it for the first time a dr tried to convince me that it "must be something physical and not mental" They wouldnt take responsibilty for it in any way shape or form even though I had none of those problems previously. So, now I dont know what to do. Im hoping they will continue to subsibe with time bc it has gotten ALOT better since the rtms..(even though i was 100% better before it!) but tonight just kind of freaked me out.
Im getting really sick of not knowing how im going to feel from one moment to the next.. its jerking my emotions around and really wearing me out. There must be some kind of answer to all of this.. there must be something else that can be done beyond the medications and all the other bullshit thats out there now. Not to say they dont help some people.. But if you really look at the big picture there are more depressed/mentally ill people out there now than ever. It just makes me wonder how much really we are "advancing" and it makes me think what they are doing now is NOT enough. It isnt helping enough people. We need more options.
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