Dinner was odd.
Heather went to drop some things off at her cousins and i wasnt feeling up to meeting him so i got her to drop me off at the bookstore. For some reason I felt like i was having trouble walking around.. like really weak in the knees and dizzy. I was having a hard time catching my breath and just felt really uncomfortable in the bookstore alone. Usually I am not like this. Before heather I was used to being totally independent and doing pretty much everything on my own. So, she comes back to pick me up and we are thinking maybe the reason I am feeling so weird is because I hadnt eaten and maybe my blood sugar was low. So we pull into the closest resturant.
I get out of the car and im feeling like im in that dream like state.. not a good dream.. just a heavy fog and my perception gets all off.
We sit in a dark corner in a small two person booth. The waiter comes over and instantly i feel like im feeling overwhelmed by his energy.. just really intense. I made her order for me.. which it also totally unlike me. I was having a hard time even making eye contact w the waitor and just weird in general. Weak, confused, anxious, foggy, and sick to my stomache. Sometimes I wonder if something else is wrong with me.
But, when we have been diagnosed "mentally ill" in some way.. no matter what your complaints dr's seem to automatically associate it with your mind. I could be dying of cancer and handed a script for klonopin just bc noone wants to take the "crazy girl" seriously.
I don't really think I am dying of cancer or anything.. its just an example of why it frustrates me that their is a prejudice against people w "mental illnesses".
I think some of the weird symtoms my be attributed to the rtms i desperately tried a few months ago in Vancouver.. for those unfamiliar with it http://www.mindcarecentres.com/tms.htm
Im getting really sick of not knowing how im going to feel from one moment to the next.. its jerking my emotions around and really wearing me out. There must be some kind of answer to all of this.. there must be something else that can be done beyond the medications and all the other bullshit thats out there now. Not to say they dont help some people.. But if you really look at the big picture there are more depressed/mentally ill people out there now than ever. It just makes me wonder how much really we are "advancing" and it makes me think what they are doing now is NOT enough. It isnt helping enough people. We need more options.